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welcome to the real world.

i apologize to everyone in advance for the length of this.

to date, i have NOT seen saw iv yet, but i plan on seeing that today if i find the money. finally, i won't be as stressed/busy as i have been in the past few weeks.

despite the fact that it rained profusely yesterday, we still had a decent turnout for kristie's baby shower yesterday. my mom almost went crazy, but in the end, it was nice. and, as an end result, we have a lot of leftover food and props. does anyone want any flowers..?

after the baby shower, i planned on going to robin's 50th birthday party. i thought it'd be a nice idea to go out to LT's (woo) beforehand, considering i had never been there before, and scott and i had some spare time to kill. well, that never happened. what did happen though, was scott and i breaking up. for real this time.

i've probably never regretted something so much in my life. not even quitting RIT, not even moving to valley falls, not even not finishing my application to FIT. i've made plenty of mistakes in my life, and i'm sure i'll be making more, but this one is huge. when we first started dating, everything was new to me because he was so different than everyone i had ever dated before, and i quickly realized that i'm probably one of the luckiest girls in the world. everyone has their minor setbacks, but somehow we seemed to get past each other's and be ridiculously happy. well, nothing gold can stay.. right? even though it was a combination of both of us, i feel like i made a lot of stupid mistakes that i shouldn't have, and pushed him away to the point where he thinks he's not the right guy for me. as much as i think he's wrong about that, it's fruitless to try to make things work if one person doesn't want to. he might argue that it was me not cooperating, but i can't help to react from my emotions. i cry, and hold things back when i'm scared, nervous, awkward, thinking about stuff, etc.

which leads me to the next topic.

lately, everyone i have been talking to has been talking about marriage and having kids. yesterday, at my sister's baby shower, i talked to a few people i have never met before. the more i heard them talking about being married or even being pregnant, it made me jealous. yes, there, i said it. i want to get married and have kids. who knows when, or where, or how, but i do. and for the past few months, it has been with scott. whenever i was with scott, sometimes he'd say and do things and that struck me like "that is the guy i want to marry" or "i want to have his kids" ..which to me, is scary. those are both big commitments and how do i even know if he is the right person? does he feel the same way? how will he react if i tell him? we only dated for four months, which to me felt like longer possibly because we spent a lot of time together.

honestly though, i don't see myself with anyone but him in the little fantasy future i've been thinking about for so long. which sort of.. sucks. if things really and truly don't work out with us, i really don't think i can see myself settling down with anyone for a while. i know i've probably said that a zillion times but this time i really mean it.

the thing that gets me though is when i came home last night pretty much in pieces, my stepdad gave me a hug and said "please don't be upset, you'll be all right" ..i really wished that he was right.

it looks like it's going to be such a beautiful day out.. i want to be outside but alas, i have nothing to do outside. perhaps i can find something.


oh i had a lot to say
was thinking on my time away
i missed you and things weren't the same
cause everything inside it never comes out right
and when i see you cry it makes me want to die
i'm sorry i'm bad, i'm sorry i'm blue, i'm sorry about all things i said to you
and i know i can't take it back
i love how you kiss, i love all your sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round
and I just wanted to say i'm sorry:
this time i think i'm to blame
it's harder to get through the days
you get older and blame turns to shame
every single day i think about how we came all this way
the sleepless nights and the tears you cried
it's never too late to make it right..
oh yeah sorry



( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 28th, 2007 01:36 pm (UTC)
Oh, sweetheart. *hugs* I'm so sorry.
Oct. 28th, 2007 01:40 pm (UTC)
i know i can always count of you to be the first to respond <33

am i that wrong to want to work things out, rather can accept it's over..?
Oct. 28th, 2007 01:56 pm (UTC)
Hee. Somehow, despite being up till 2:30, I'm awake and LJing ;)

He's a very good guy, and it was clear to me you both care about each other. That said, both parties have to want to make it work again, and things are still probably way too fresh right now. If you still want to repair things in a few days, the initial emotions will have probably calmed somewhat and it would be easier to have such a discussion. Things work themselves out if they're meant to be, and if not, you still have so much yet to accomplish for your own sake.

Bear in mind I'm no expert on relationships myself...!
Oct. 28th, 2007 02:40 pm (UTC)
yeah, but i value what you say as a friend and someone who is strikingly similar to myself in way of emotions (not to mention just about everything!)

plus, you are one of the few people who have actually met scott.. regardless if it was just for a night.
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 28th, 2007 05:37 pm (UTC)
i think she's stuck in her nerd-dating spree, personally. so he couldn't have been that different
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 29th, 2007 11:36 am (UTC)
we should form a facebook club and see just what the pattern has been lol.

(Deleted comment)
Oct. 29th, 2007 06:05 pm (UTC)
okay, can we stop this conversation? at least, not have it be a string of comments on one of my more sensitive entries..? KTHX.
Oct. 29th, 2007 07:42 pm (UTC)
sorry... :/

I want to talk to you :/
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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