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hrm.

surprisingly enough, even though scott and i broke it off.. i'm coming to terms with it. i don't take break-ups well (obviously) and this is hard for me, but i know in the very end i'll be okay.

i love him, and will always love him. i am willing to be his friend (hopefully a good friend) and be content with his wishes. if it was meant to be, then it will work out. if it doesn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be.

there's nothing more to it.

Tags:

welcome to the real world.

i apologize to everyone in advance for the length of this.

to date, i have NOT seen saw iv yet, but i plan on seeing that today if i find the money. finally, i won't be as stressed/busy as i have been in the past few weeks.

despite the fact that it rained profusely yesterday, we still had a decent turnout for kristie's baby shower yesterday. my mom almost went crazy, but in the end, it was nice. and, as an end result, we have a lot of leftover food and props. does anyone want any flowers..?

after the baby shower, i planned on going to robin's 50th birthday party. i thought it'd be a nice idea to go out to LT's (woo) beforehand, considering i had never been there before, and scott and i had some spare time to kill. well, that never happened. what did happen though, was scott and i breaking up. for real this time.

i've probably never regretted something so much in my life. not even quitting RIT, not even moving to valley falls, not even not finishing my application to FIT. i've made plenty of mistakes in my life, and i'm sure i'll be making more, but this one is huge. when we first started dating, everything was new to me because he was so different than everyone i had ever dated before, and i quickly realized that i'm probably one of the luckiest girls in the world. everyone has their minor setbacks, but somehow we seemed to get past each other's and be ridiculously happy. well, nothing gold can stay.. right? even though it was a combination of both of us, i feel like i made a lot of stupid mistakes that i shouldn't have, and pushed him away to the point where he thinks he's not the right guy for me. as much as i think he's wrong about that, it's fruitless to try to make things work if one person doesn't want to. he might argue that it was me not cooperating, but i can't help to react from my emotions. i cry, and hold things back when i'm scared, nervous, awkward, thinking about stuff, etc.

which leads me to the next topic.

lately, everyone i have been talking to has been talking about marriage and having kids. yesterday, at my sister's baby shower, i talked to a few people i have never met before. the more i heard them talking about being married or even being pregnant, it made me jealous. yes, there, i said it. i want to get married and have kids. who knows when, or where, or how, but i do. and for the past few months, it has been with scott. whenever i was with scott, sometimes he'd say and do things and that struck me like "that is the guy i want to marry" or "i want to have his kids" ..which to me, is scary. those are both big commitments and how do i even know if he is the right person? does he feel the same way? how will he react if i tell him? we only dated for four months, which to me felt like longer possibly because we spent a lot of time together.

honestly though, i don't see myself with anyone but him in the little fantasy future i've been thinking about for so long. which sort of.. sucks. if things really and truly don't work out with us, i really don't think i can see myself settling down with anyone for a while. i know i've probably said that a zillion times but this time i really mean it.

the thing that gets me though is when i came home last night pretty much in pieces, my stepdad gave me a hug and said "please don't be upset, you'll be all right" ..i really wished that he was right.

it looks like it's going to be such a beautiful day out.. i want to be outside but alas, i have nothing to do outside. perhaps i can find something.

lastly, the lyrics to this song, which seems to fit my situation perfectly. lame, i know. LAME.Collapse )

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interesting weekend part two.

accomplishments:

- hung out in schuylerville for the first time. not only did i successfully drive to there, from there, parallel park there, sit on some random person's porch while i was on the phone, and make plans for the evening.. i also ate there! we went to amigos cantina, which i had been very interested in trying. well worth it! i got the chicken chimichanga, which came with rice and a salad, and it was HUGE and AMAZING. and then, because i'm ridiculous, i encouraged everyone to share a flan with me. they probably have the best flan i've ever tasted. and c'mon people, i eat a lot of flan. i also tried their aztec lemonade, which i would get again. it's tangy and a bit sour, which made it delicious.

- went out in albany for the first time-! sort of. met brian at the midtown tap and tea room (that's not the website, but a metroland review with a description worth reading about). not a typical place to go, but it's fairly new and had the atmosphere we were looking for. it's a tapas place with a wide selection of beverages and a mixed crowd of older people. steph and elin went home, but we were there until the front room closed, which is interesting because most of the eating tables were in the back. it was very nice to see him again, and i'm sure we would've talked a lot longer if 1) the place wasn't closing and 2) i wasn't so tired. i still want to check out the typical albany scene, just out of curiosity. and that even includes going to the lighthouse, the seedy, scummy bar that's dear to steph's heart. "cause it would be funny." i'd also get to see marshall again too! <3

what else is funny is that when we stopped at elin's house to drop off cars and change clothes and do whatever else (avoid teenage boys??), someone brought to my attention that the note i left on neil's door so many years ago is STILL THERE. and it will remain there until he moves out. now that's love.

love is also eating delicious leftovers from last night. i also need to decide if i want to take friday afternoon off to go to the headless horseman hayride down in ulster park. decisions, decisions.